oh goodness

I made a decision. This decision is something that has always been beyond me and quite perplexing for me to even imagine.

It is very simple: Let it be. Whatever it is, just let it be. Do not over think it. Do not chew on it. Do not exhaust the possibilites. Just let it be.

I like plans and boxes and organization in all aspects of my life and the last two years have been anything but organized. I have been so out of sorts and concentrating on how it is affecting me that I have forgotten to step back and enjoy it. To find peace in the chaos and clutter.

Alas, though I am accepting it and moving on. My life is hectic, chaotic and dirty. Now the only challenge is getting used to it.

mild frustrations and confusions

There are two different things happening in my life right now, both of which carry a lot of intensity and love.

There is one situation that has made me realize just how much faith I put in love alone. How much I trust in it and how much I want it to always mean that much to everyone else. The unfortunate thing is that it just doesn't. Most people take advantage of love, especially from others. They don't see it either by choice or actual blindness. To me this seems impossible. I felt starved for love my entire childhood and now I have an abundance in so many different forms. Friendship, lover, family. It is all love and all carries with it the weight that I give it and for those that know me they realize that the weight is a heavy load. I trust in love above anything else only because when I love it is that meaningful, or at least I attempt to give it that much because I feel that is what people deserve.

I have more to write on this and I will when I can... in the meantime a poem that I love. I am thinking about getting it tattoed on my side in a typewriter font.

There is a place where the sidewalk ends
And before the street begins,
And there the grass grows soft and white,
And there the sun burns crimson bright,
And there the moon-bird rests from his flight
To cool in the peppermint wind.

Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
And the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And watch where the chalk-white arrows go
To the place where the sidewalk ends.

Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And we'll go where the chalk-white arrows go,
For the children, they mark, and the children, they know
The place where the sidewalk ends.

-Shel Silverstein