Thursday, December 31, 2009

What a year

I started this morning out with some reading and some beer. Maybe not healthy, but what else is a Momma to do when she is all alone on the eve of a new year, eh? Plus, it was just one.

Since then, I have made a batch of gnocchi to put up in the freezer, some soup for a sick friend and some pear pastry puffs, which still need a bit of caramel cinnamon glaze on the top. Right now, however I am about to get comfy in my bed for a bit more reading and maybe a little nap. Later, I am headed out to a friends house for a few minutes to drop off said puffs and then... On a date!

This date is with vest guy. That's what my friends and I are calling him and I don't want to put his name out here, just in case. He is a pretty great guy though. A little bit older than me, at 3o, but I figure that that is OK. He has an organization that helps victims in Burma and is about to start doing art therapy at the Seattle Children's Hospital. Now that you know what I know you can probably understand why I am nervous as heck to go tonight. But, I know that I'll be fine as long as I am myself.

I am not exaclty making an resolutions this year, but I do want to take out the trash that is clogging my path. I want a clean, fresh start to this year and that means that Scott has got to get off the couch by the 10th like he said he would. No more understanding on my part, it has been too long. I will stand up for myself and be strong and he will leave. There is no more room here.
As for the kids, I want them to continue to grow and love and be happy. They are such an amazing part of my life.

I can't wait to see what the new year is going to bring.

Hoping for new, that's for sure!

Happy New Year!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Just chillin'

Today has been a day of much needed quiet and rest with a dear friend.

Last night, two of my friends and I had a craft night at Lee's house and we all just sat knitting, painting and making earrings. Each our own different craft but together we had fun. Beer, chocolate and just plain friendship was a much needed thing for all three of us.

This morning, Lee and I just stayed home and knit, napped and watched Flight of the Conchords, which is downright hilarious by the way. Then we headed to the art store to pick up some more beads for Lee and a tattoo jar for me. A lovely day indeed.

We made dinner and then I headed home. I have been listening to a lot of Handful of Luvin' and Levi Ware lately. *melody you would love Levi* On the way home I had a mix CD of the two bands and it just absolutely fit my day so well.

I really, really miss the kids but realize that they are most likely having a great time with thier extended family down in California. My house just doesn't feel the same though. The presence that they add to my daily life is just absolutely irreplaceable. It is amazing how two little people can affect every fiber of your being just by being there.

Anyway, I am doing some midnight cleaning right now and then I am headed to bed. I hope that everyone is having a really wonderful holiday season and remembering what is important to them.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Gingerbread and Caramel... ruined

The past week I have been working day shifts again. Which is pretty awesome. I have been whipping up a storm of cupcakes and finally getting to know the girls I work with rather than just the boys. It's been wonderful, excluding a massive gingerbread copy of our store, which was assigned to me. And a small, 22 lb. batch of caramel that crystallized in the pot today.

The gingerbread whole foods... this is apparently a bit of a war between two stores. Redmond and Interbay. Interbay sent around a picture of a gingerbread school house in their neighborhood that they did. It was beautiful, but also probably took quite a bit of time and planning on thier part to execute. We were given 24 hours to do an equally sizeable rendition of our store. Sounds pretty easy... until we get going. I stayed an hour overtime to make the dough and clean up. Then the next crew was supposed to roll it out and measure it and bake it. This did not happen as smoothly as it sounds.

The pieces were not straight which led to a lot of over icing and then just when I was putting the finishing touches on it, it collapsed for the second time. 7 hours of labor, wasted. Back pain, hand cramping and just in general stress from the darn project. In the end, the other people helping and I got it back up and going and looking beautiful. Not exactly what we had had planned, but fun all the same. Everyone loves it but us and next year we are planning something CRAZY! But, I have to be super hush hush about that.

The caramel, which I had been left to make after the rest of the production team left, was a last minute frantic job. We had run out and overall it is a fairly easy project but... I of course found some way to ruin it. Some sort of chemical process happened and the sugar started to crystallize and then the next thing I know it was just a giant 22 lb mass of hot, crystallized sugar. Bummer, dude.

In the meantime, I am home. In my room and getting ready to watch Julie and Julia while I finish a quick gift for a friend. I work tomorrow and then it is off to a friend's house, where I was quite lovingly invited over for dinner and sangria. What could be better, eh? Not much, that's for sure.

Hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas and I intend to be back before the new year.

**Melody, Thanks for the ideas and support!! I will check out the craigslist adds tonight!!

Monday, December 21, 2009

whoa, it's been a while

Sorry folks. Life, it has been busy lately and yet not so busy all at the same time. I guess the right term would just be hectic.

Scott is still living on my couch... with high hopes to be out soon. I really do not know how much more of it I can take. It isn't that we don't get along it is just that it is extra stress that I don't need or want in my life right now. Nor, does he need it in his. Not to mention the two little beings that we are attempting raise... Oh I can not imagine how this is all affecting them. I just hope that they will make it through this. Trust in the resilience of my children and children in general.

Christmas is so close and I have nothing done nor anything to do. My babies are going to be with Scott in California and I am going to be working. I can't say whether I am looking forward to it yet or not. I know that part of me is just very sad.

I love Christmas and wish that things could be different this year. I would really like to be with my family in California and with my children. However the solo time is going to be welcome. A double edged sword I tell you.

I will make an effort to post more often.

I went to a show for Handful of Luvin' the other day. They were amazing, as always. I met a few new people who I got along with very well. I just so love the new people I have been meeting lately. Overall, they have been so positive and so inspiring, I feel very lucky. I feel like maybe I am meeting these people because I am finally making decisions in my life that are positive for the future. I am looking both in and out and seeing that there is change and that I am capable of making it. It's very empowering.

So, to changes and new spirits moving forward I have decided that I am going to start looking for new ways to help. I don't know exaclty what kind of helping I want to do just yet... I feel like it will come to me soon though. We shall see and if you have any ideas, throw 'em out there! I love to hear them!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

A Whole Family

Today, we had a store meeting at work. It started at 6 am, which means that I had to leave the house at about 5, after working until 10:15 last night. I was a little worried, because my babysitter is more of an afternoon sitter, not a morning person. I had heard that we are allowed to take our babies iwth us and last night I double checked with the Store Leader, Mindy. She said absolutely! Not only are we allowed, we are encouraged!

So... the kids and I packed into the car, all sleepy and warm to head out to Whole Foods. I was a bit nervous. If you have ever met my children, you would understand that they are quite the handful. Two toddlers running around creating a lot of energy. But right away they were embraced, quite literally with open arms by everyone. The first hour was spent in the bakery going over the new items and holiday specials. The kids, still very sleepy, hung around me coloring and playing with two of our baristas. Then, after giving hugs to their new friends, we joined the rest of the store for the remainder of the meeting and the Whole Foods Redmond Olympics. People were picking the kids up, hoisting them on thier shoulders and playing with them. Everyone loved them and the kids had a great time. Going upstairs to clock out, one person helped Adrien and another helped me with Bella's elephant, which is just as big as her.

What is so amazing to me, is that Whole Foods has from the start said that they are a family. That once you start working there you are part of that family. And while I felt comfortable with my teammates and have already made many friends it was very endearing to me today to see how true that family environment actually is. I am so happy that I got this job and have met all of these amazing people.

I think I just might be a Whole Foody!

Thursday, October 29, 2009


The past few days I have been on yet a new journey. I made a new friend and she has helped me to start looking at a few things again. Things with my Mom and the rest of my family. I have been... not melancholy but thoughtful lately. I am trying to dissect what I have done and where I am going in life. I don't know right now the answers to either one of those. Yet, I would not say that I am lost just exploring.

In trying to figure stuff out there is a chance to look at yourself. This is hard. It's hard to look in the mirror and see the things that you are feeling, the things that you have done and be honest with yourself that maybe it wasn't always right. That a lot of the time the anger you feel for one person has been taken out on someone who did not deserve it. That maybe you did that for years and didn't realize it. How awful and yet I really am not an awful person. I just think that I did some awful things when I was younger and confused about why my Mom was unable to love me.

Looking now, I see that she does love me in her own way. Unfortunately it isn't a way that is easy to see or understand for a child. Comprehending my mother's love is like making it through the labrynth. I have to keep going around dark corners and meeting friends of hers along the way to see it. And when I do get there finally, I see that it definitely is not what I was expecting. It is not warm and cozy like I want. It is just dusty and gray. It is dark. It is cold. I do not like it.

As a mother now, I find myself thinking of the other women in my life as mothers. As care givers. I see the things that I want in these other women. In my Grandmother, for her strength and solidarity throughout life's challenges. In my Step-mom Jen, for her unwavering love for me... even when I was confused. In my sister Samantha for taking care of me when the need was the most urgent, even though she too needed to be taken care of. In My Aunt, for listening and loving me and holding me when I needed it. In my neighbor, Karen for being a confidant and teacher, for her understanding and love. All of these I bring with me to motherhood and hope that it is enough for my children while still being enough for me.

To have so many women in my head, it is a gift. I see how truly lucky I am to be surrounded my magnificent and strong females. Not everyone had that and because I was so desperate as a child to have a mother, I clung to everyone of them like they were my own. They answered with everything they had and because of them I made it through.

Yesterday, I went on a hike. I was thinking about all these women and how my life has been affected. I think about all the little things along the way that have been given to me by them. The little knowledge nuggets and loving hugs. I realized that if my own mother had been what I so desperately wanted her to be I would never have been open to them. I would not have had the same experiences with them nor the amount of love. So in my Mother's failure there is success.

Friday, October 23, 2009

What it's about now

OK. I read that drunken blog... sheesh. At first I was totally appalled at myself and just about deleted it. Then I thought, you know what?! No, this is what my life is now. Mistakes and learning and the ups and the downs of becoming single and having to learn to navigate through it all without totally and completely fucking up. Right? If you can't be honest what are you capable of? Nothing and everything...

So this blog, which started as a hopeful journey through motherhood and a way to communicate the exciting ups and downs of it with my family and friends has now turned into a dry and honest chronicle of both motherhood and the dating adventures I experience... the just basic and weird and dirty secrets that maybe some should read and some shouldn't. But I am going ot try to be honest about the stuff I do or I guess... have done.

I will say that "one" night stand was months ago, and I have so, so totally learned my lesson... But, I went out with friends the other night from work and he showed up, hence the blog.


Thursday, October 15, 2009

Isabella Constance

Today is your Second birthday. You are Two. and it blows my mind. I have a two year old daughter and she is the best little girl I could ever ask for.

Isabella is Tall.
Isabella is Sassy.
Isabella is full of Spunk.
Isabella is Beautiful.

You have the most beautiful eyes and the most wonderful personality. I can tell that someday you are going to be very bossy and mean to your brother. I know that you think you are smarter than everyone else, all the time. When you have to listen you crook your head and then when it's over you nod your head and put your hands up in the air as if to say "Why?" You always try and figure out a way to get what you want. You will put yourself in a position to go into the lake if going into the lake is what you want to do.

Isabella Constance, you are wonderful and I can't wait to find out what you are going to throw at me next. I can't wait to see the kind of person you are going to be and the path that you will choose. I just hope you choose wisely and always remember to think with your heart.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Leg Warmers and Tea

Today I bought some Oolong Tea and Leg Warmers at work, I love them both. I am knitting leg warmers for everyone for Christmas, except a few who will get something different. But I have not had a chance to finish some for myself yet. So, mine are tie dye. They rock.

The tea, is delicious. I reallly love tea. I didn't really realize how much until I moved to Washington. But tea has such positive effects on me and I like that. What I don't like is that I have not had a chance to really get much excersise lately. I am hoping that tomorrow after work I can go for a run or a hike... something to get out and get my heart going. I need it.

This morning as I was getting ready for work, the kids were going down for a nap and Adrien was laying in his bed with a goofy little grin on his face. I asked him he wanted a hug and he sprinted out of the bed and over to me, knocked me over with the most ferocious hug I have had from him in a while. I think they forgot what it was like when I am working. That I can't see them part of the day and that it's hard, for all of us.

Isabella seems to take to it really well, but she has always been one to adjust well to new situations. Adrien has recently begun to build actual recognizable things with his blocks. Airplanes are the highlights and towers. The other thing he is really into is Motorcycles, he will just stare at a motorcycle for as long I let him. He even knows how to say it finally, which is awesome.

And we are almost on the brink of Potty Training for Little Miss Bella!!! I am so, so excited about this I can't even contain it!!! Both of them out of diapers would be just outstanding. It would rock my little world. So we will see... next week after the crazyness of birthdays and a store meeting, the process will be begin.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Stress Baking

I am a stress baker. I don't mean bake, like Toke up. I mean bake like Cook. I will bake like crazy if I am stressed. For example, in the past two days I have made fudge, apple pie, bread and roasted some squash. Along the way, I have also cleaned my house... twice.

What might you ask am I stressing about. Oh. Just this simple thing.

A guy, who due to his incessant paranoia of them will here by be referred to as The Zombie.

The Zombie and I met, briefly about two months ago. He was stationed up here in Washington and had been an acquaintance of my HLP (Hetero Life Partner aka Best Friend), for quite some time. He grew up in Roseville, CA which is just a hop and a skip away from Auburn. He is a very smart, funny, witty and interesting individual. We met a week before he left to go back to Roseville. We saw each other three times in that week and have talked on the phone, online and texted quite a bit....

I like him. A lot. I have that fluttery feeling that you get when someone touches your soul in a specific place. I had it when I met him and there is just something about him that won't leave me alone. I see his smile and his stupid glasses in my head and it's like just this image that is burned there. I feel like when he looks at me he is really seeing me and understanding me. He laughs at my bad, bad jokes and when he doesn't he doesn't make me feel bad for being so lame. And he's cute. Really cute, like, painfully goodlooking dude.

But he lives in Roseville and he hates Washington with a passion that is neverending. That of course sucks. Despite this, I felt like I needed to say how I felt. I needed the relief of letting it be heard. I called him up tonight and told him. He was at Chipotle.

I don't really know what actually happened. I don't think he feels like it is something that is even feasible and has rejected the idea because of that. I wish I had the same ability to do so. Instead I just feel a little more lonely and stupid tonight.

I just have to remember that this is going to be one of the many lessons I will learn now. How to not say how I feel. To play the game or whatever. It's all so fucking weird.

The thing that kills me, that really just hurts is that Zombie was nice to me about it and still wants me to hang out with him when I am down there and vice verse. This all would have been so much easier if he was mean to me, because then I could have just brushed it off like he was the asshole. Instead, it's me. I'm the one who had to say it out loud even though it was pretty obvious how we feel. Now, now it's in the room. It's filling all of Oregon and the spaces in between with it's awkwardness and vulnrability. It's ugly, damn it.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Push Up Bras

Sometimes, you need a Push Up Bra for life. Just something to give a little boost and make you feel perkier and bubbly.

Lately, I have used this theory on my day to day living and it seems to be helping. In a sense having this in my head, make me my own push up life bra. I wake up and instead of thinking how awful it is that my children aren't sleeping through the night and have decided to wake me at 6 a.m. or earlier. I try to list off the things I love about mornings with my children.

1. The way they smell. It's very close to how they smelled as babies. All squish, drool and dew from the sweaty night. It's beautiful.

2. Hair. It's simply out of control. Especially Isabella, even with the new hair cut, it stands straight up in back and gets so knotted I can't believe it. Adrien's is usually standing up on the side that he slept on. We're growing his out right now for winter, so it's getting longer and more funny.

3. Monster Noises. This is how they always wake me up. It's not nice, it's not quiet. They are monsters. They are morning wake up monsters on a mission to get this Mama out of her warm covers and up to the cold fridge for milk, yogurt and toast with honey.

4. The snuggles. I always get snuggles in the morning and kisses, lots of snuggles and kisses happen here.

5. Knowing that no matter how early it is, I have another day with these beautiful, fascinating tiny people that I wouldn't have had if they weren't here.

Those are things that make it easy. The push up for my mornings and the rest of my day because at the end of it, they are all that matter... making those two little people healthy, functional and nurtured. To make sure they feel confident enough in themselves to go out in the world and be exactly who they need to be, without doubt or guilt.

Monday, October 5, 2009


Everything. Everything feels absent. Like not necessarily gone, but missing for the day... or longer if need be. I've been absent from this, here. Absent from sharing. I don't even quite know why. It is like I just did not want to do it anymore for a while. I would sit at my computer with my fingers on the pads, all ready to go. But nothing was happening or what did happen I dont like.

Breaks are usually a good way to get rid of that feeling, and after having had that I feel like there is a reason. I feel like my world has shifted quite a bit. You see, when I started this blog I was Wife, Mom, Daughter. Now I am Single Mother, Daughter, Baker, Student. I don't know how this should translate on this blog. Should I talk about my life as I know it or how I want it to be? Both, is what I think. But, should I talk about dating... how uncivilized and wierd the whole thing is. I never really dated too much in high school and then I was with Scott for so long that I don't have any experience with it, at all. Attempting it now is like showing up to school not knowing you had to take a test that day. You feel unprepared and small. You make guesses and sometimes you are right, but more often than not the answer was wrong. So you stumble through it and hope that next time you'll know that test is coming and please God may it be easier than the last one.

Or, perhaps I should tell you about how it is going between Scott and I. Because that answer is way too long, I will save it for another day. The ocmplications, the feelings, the kids, my apartment... this whole thing has a very small almost invisible bright side to it. I don't know how to translate that yet.

The kids though, they are easy. They are loving and beautiful. Smart. Healthy. I dont think I could ask for more. Adrien is talking like crazy. He talks about everything that he does and he talks loud. He likes to be heard.
Isabella, being her brother's sister is just the same. Talking all the time. But she is more of a repeater rather than coming up with her own words.

They do say "I Loouf ya!!" which means I love you... I hope.

Until next time and hopefully sooner

Sunday, August 9, 2009

In the wild

I take the kids out as often as I have the energy for and they of course love it. I am so excited because tomorrow I am starting a new shift! Instead of working at 4:30 am, I am now starting at 8 am. I think this is going to give me and the kids a much easier time getting a schedule going. The only downfall is not as much (if any) overtime any more which means less money coming in. But it is easier for Scott to have a job this way and that is important too. Even though we are not together we still have to work together to make life better for the kids.

Today we went to a new park, for us anyway, Idylwood. It is a really fun place. There is a beach, a play structure and a little bit of a walking trail to go on. We heard about it from our hopefully new playmates! I will expand on this later. But I found a friend for the kids and her name is Madison. She's got to be the cutest baby in the world next to Bella! She is only a little younger than Bella and hopefully they will get along well.

Other than that, the babysitter is going quite well. She is very concerned about Adrien's eating habits however as they are pretty much nonexistent. Especially compared to Bella's amazing hunger for everything around her. Adrien knows Bano (bathroom, just in case) and a few other words already. He doesn't say them but he knows what they mean. I asked him today if he had to use the bathroom in Spanish and he said yes. My goal is to get them to say muchas gracias soon. And of course, Adios and Hola. Those should be simple.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

oy vie and oh me gatos

Today the babes started at a new daycare of sorts. One of my work friend's wife is watching the kids. They are a Hispanic family and so speak only Spanish at home. I think this is wonderful. The kids will learn a second language or at least start too, and so will I.

Already I can say "5 minutes" in Spanish. I know, pathetic but you gotta start somewhere right?

The kids apparently handled the transition from english to spanish very well. Adrien only refusing to eat. Such a minor detail really, who needs food? Oh! That's right, everyone. Bella as always eats everything no matter how full or hungry she may be. Definitely her Momma's daughter, that girl.

Her name has a whole new sound when spoken by Miguel and his wife. It is so beautiful, exactly how it should sound. It makes me want to learn their language faster. So this weekend I am going to get an English to Spanish dictionary and an in the car spanish thing to learn a little faster.

I am pretty sure that Bella is going to pick up on it fast. She is just at that point where words are starting to have quite a bit of meaning and sound to them. She is trying to talk to bad. I am a little afraid of what that girl has to say because boy has she got some attitude! If you are not responding to Bella right when she wants she will pull on you, tug at you, put things in your hands and sometimes even try to pick you up. It's quite funny. Sometimes I purposefully ignore her to see how many different tactics she will pull out of her bag before she starts screaming. It might be mean, but I am her mother so mean is in the job description. Better she learn that early on, right?

Adrien is still persistant with the potty training. Our only downfall is pooping. It sometimes does not happen in the toilet. But I figure that this one is going to be a bit harder to teach him than peeing. He even did well at Miguel's house. He does feel the need to pull his underwear and pants completely off to go to the bathroom though, which gets a little annoying. Especially when you are in Target holding a cranky Bella, in a small stall waiting for him to get himself situated to pee, stand there for 5 minutes while he decides that maybe he deosn't need too afterall, then put his clothes back on. But at least he is doing it. At least he is doing it. At least he is doing it. ( I figure if I repeat it I might believe it)

Sunday, July 19, 2009

A peace of sorts

This morning, I woke up to the sound of someone using the bathroom. What?! Was my first initial thought. Then I listened for one more second and realized it was Adrien.

He is potty trained.

It is fantastic!!

Last night was his first night without a diaper and he did so well. No accidents and he got up to pee.

I am so proud of that little guy.

On another note, I feel like I am constantly doing laundry. Yesterday I think I did 6 loads and I can't even remember what I washed. It's crazy.

Oh, Bite of Seattle is going on right now. So go get a bite!

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

On Top Of The World

I have really come to enjoy hiking.
I like everything about it and I really like the people I go with.

The nice thing about Washington is there is an abundance of peaks to get too.

This past weekend I hit up Dedge Peak...

Tuesday, June 23, 2009


I am so tired... anyone else?

I just recently changed my schedule from 4 am to whenever pm to 4:30 am to whenever in the pm. So far it has been much better. Somehow that extra half hour is giving me total freedom and peace. But I still am very tired. So I decided to add one more thing to my schedule on Tuesdays and Thursdays and every other saturday morning. Hot yoga again!

I was doing it a little while after having Bella and found a place that is pretty inexpensive up here. I love it! I did it again for the first time recently and totally remembered that it is such an amazing thing for me. It really brings me back to my place... whatever that may be I'm there at the end of a hot yoga class.

I got a new yoga towel for the adventure and it was sopping wet at the end of class. I am pretty sure that is a good sign. I know that it will help me with a lot of different things in my life right now and I can't wait to start fully realizing the affects of it's helpfulness in my life.

Maybe a picture to come soon....

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Happy Father's Day

Goodmorning Dad! Happy Father's Day!

I wish that I could be there to say it in person with the babes and to give you a big hug and make you dinner.

In the meantime here are some long awaited pictures and a promise to update more often.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Life goes on

Sometimes this is something I have to remind myself. Lately the reminding is happening more often.

Scott and I are getting a divorce.

We have not been working out for quite some time and though that may come as a surprise to some it is something that we have been privately dealing with for quite some time. It has not been easy and in the past few months things have really come to a head.

I am now living in Renton with the kids. Still working. Scott is taking care of the kids during the day until he gets a job and after that they will go to daycare and I whomever gets off work first will pick them up. We have not figured out a set arrangement yet but I know that we will and that something will work.

The kids are fine. Not great, but fine. I feel like they are adjusting fairly well considering everything they have been through in the past few months.

In the meantime things have been crazy, so crazy in fact that I am not even going to tell you now. I will be back here, most likely once or twice a week, though to update on what's going on and how things are.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Hey Dad

Here is a post for you, sans any pictures. Sorry, I have not the time or the energy to upload any photos right now.

We've been absent I realize for quite some time. It is busy here. Scott found a job that puts him at work 6 days a week, 10 hours a day. I have been working like a crazy woman, from 5 am to usually 5 or 6 pm. Yesterday was my first real day, I got off work at 1:30! It was amazing. I went outside and the sun was still shining!! A miracle indeed.

The kids have started at a daycare. As much as I hate it though, they love it. Everyday they get more and more comfortable and everyday they are both becoming more and more excited about it. Adrien calls it the park and has already been telling me about it today. Isabella is obviously comfortable there otherwise we would all know about it.

Anyway, I will add more later but just thought I would do a little update for you all.

Sunday, April 12, 2009


has infected the house. It's such a bummer.

Thankfully for the most part it isn't too much of a cold. There is a runny nose and headache. But the worst part about this is the throat pain. It is brutal! And we all have it. Adrien's walkin' around with boogies hangin' out of his nose. Isabella keeps coughing and looking at us like "WHY!?"

I did manage to squish in some fun last night with some friends from high school and a few new people that they knew from Digipen. We went to this brewery and drank copious amounts of beer while listening to this amazing band! They're name is Handful of Lovin'. They have an excellent sound and the fiddler/violinist is by far the best part about this band. His work is beautiful! Check them out! I'm gonna go see them again next month at the Haul Ash ending party. Can't wait!

Wednesday, April 8, 2009


I do not know quite what it is but I have always felt a strong connection with the old ladies in my life. The comforting words, the oldie aromas... it all draws me in and means Grandmother to me.

I'm just joshin' about the aromas.

But seriously it is weird considering the drastic difference between them all. My Grandma Jean, I think is maybe the only one that I did not have that connection with and that is probably because she passed away when I was about 8 or 9.

Other than that there is my Grandma Connie who passed away about a year and half ago. She was my paternal Grandma. Very beautiful and kind. She had a very sweet soul. Everyone loved her and most still do. She was a woman of strong character and convictions. She was a good mother, a good grandmother and a good great grandmother.

And now... My Grandma Dianne. She is technically my step-grandmother I think, on my mother's side. But I have known her my whole life so she is just Grandma to me. Well, not just Grandma. She is the Grandma with whom I share a birthday.

"Remember, remember the 5th of November"

That is our day. Ours alone. And I love that we have that. But beyond that I have always been able to talk to her very frankly about anything that goes on in my life. I know that she will always listen to me and always be there. A kind word and a kind heart. When we were younger she used to tell us when we would visit her "Whatever your little heart desires." I can't wait to have Grandchildren just so I can say that and drive my children insane!

When I was younger she and I used to make fudge and she taught me how to scramble eggs in just the right way so they would be fluffy and dry. Just how I like them. Sometimes, we would rip up square cheese and put that on there too.

Speaking of square cheese, we had a signal for that during snack time. I wouldn't even have to say anything. I could just look at her and with my finger make a square and there it was, my square cheese! just like magic, or so I felt anyway.

There is a reason, a very personal reason that I go into this and I won't share it though it is obvious. But she means a lot to me and I miss her right now. I wish that I could give her a very large hug and make her some fudge. Maybe give her slice of square cheese and tell her that she can anything her little heart desires.

After all, shouldn't we all have that?

Friday, April 3, 2009

A reason

They sit in the water as if it is thier home. I know that feeling, I long for it. TO be submerged in a world all your own. Hearing the water as it languidly moves against your body. The single heartbeat, all your own. Toes on the edge, nails painted red. And just as the steam starts to rise off your stomach, there it is; weightlessness. And joy. And relief. There is... God. Or whatever God is.
Water is the only place I've ever felt that until Deception. I don't know why. I'm able to pray there, though. And give thanks and let my worries slip away with the waves and the sounds of the water on the shore.
As I start my run I hear the cars and bridge traffic. After a few moments and a few breaths I realize all I hear now is the forest waking up. There is the sound of my feet hitting the squishy, soft forest floor. The decaying pine needles cushioning my step. Barefoot. I want to run barefoot here. To feel the mud rise between my toes. Cold, wet and natural.
Birds offer the music to my forest cathedral. It is not just thier chirping and singing but the whishing of thier wings in flight against the thump thump thump of my feet. It is just enough of a song to keep me going.
There is life everywhere here. It is even on the rocks. Little cactus looking flowers. Maybe a succubus of some kind I think. Lichen, paling to an almost white sage as spring closes in finally. It has been a ahrd winter. Snow, rain, Cold. Oh! the cold!
As i near my half way mark, I head to the beach. It is sunny this morning and 37^F. I want to rest and soak it in. Be thankful for it. Minutes pass and I tear myself away from this warm little heaven to keep going.
I get close to the bridge and slow down to a walk. I like to hear civilization as I come back to it. To remember what I just had and what I am going into. A world filled with endless distraction and reactions. A world that needs... something.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

There are times

When you just need to get out of the house. Today is one of those. Yesterday was relaxing and I needed that. But today, I want to be busy. I want to clean, I want to cook, I want to go to the beach. I know that at least one of those things is happening, and thankfully it's the beach.

Scott has been immensely helpful these past few weeks with my finals. He has taken the kids under his wing and gently prodded them away from my open computer to an activity better suited to rambunctious toddlers. This afternoon after the nap time I am taking them away for a bit to hopefully give him some respite.

We will head to my favorite place. Deception Pass.

I have this new friend who thinks that I'm a little crazy for loving Deception Pass so much. But I can't help it. The view, the feeling, the smell it all just gets me right at my soul. I feel at home there and comfortable. I feel like me. There is just one thing that I do not like about it there and that is the wind. But the wind is everywhere here, so it is something that I can forgive my place for.

Tuesday I go in for orientation at the new job. I can't wait!

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Finally over

Finals are finally over. I am sitting on my couch, relaxing. Not doing homework and letting the kids watch Dumbo. They love Dumbo. In a few minutes I am headed to the kitchen to do some dishes. Maybe later a run and then possibly to a friends house for some movies and popcorn.

Tuesday I go in for some orientation on the new job. I am going to be the bakery specialist in a brand new kitchen in Microsoft! I can't believe it! I will be working from 5-1 everyday and then in the afternoons I can hang out with my babies. I do feel a lot of guilt over starting work, but I have too and I know that they will be OK in a daycare. Scott is going to be with them until he starts a job. Even though I don't know how that is going to work out just yet with just one car, but I am sure that it will somehow.

Speaking of Scott, he is in Bothell today to take his crane test. I can't believe it has been that long already. If he passes he can journey out finally. Let's keep our fingers crossed!

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

My Sister

To those of you reading who know our family, someone in it is doing something special. To those who don't, this someone is just one of the many amazing women in my life.

My sister is taking on the ultimate female challenge. Body Bliss. It is such an awful thing when as a young woman, you have to face something as tormenting as your own body. Is there any other torture that is as painful? Your body is your temple, we are told. Your temple being a direct reflection on something or anything in your life that may be wrong or difficult to understand. As women, our bodies tend to show any worry, stress and happy feeling that we have. It is the window into the trials of our lives. As men age or get stressed for the most part, they end up looking better with age and worry lines. The extra cushion around their belly is ignored by everyone and never are they judged for the dimples on their asses.

That being said, she is taking on an amazing personal challenge. She has started writing about it here. It is funny and insightful and sure to be touching and amazing. She is smart and quick witted, I encourage everyone to check this out and offer your support as a woman, as a friend and for me... as a sister. Because right now, she could use a few sisters.

This does bring about my topic for tonight, as Samantha is trying out new types of excersise and gym activities. I have taken up running. I started a little before Christmas, but the weather brought me down. However about two months ago, I started it back up again and I love it. Now, if you knew me when I was in high school you would say that I was lying. But I do. I love to run. I love to run in the woods by the beach. I do not like to run in the street. I do not like to run on the sidewalk. I like to be in my own spot, on my own trail and in hte middle of it... I stop at a tree that sticks out over the beach from the edge of the cliff. The drop is only about 5 feet to the water but it makes me feel good to sit there and have my time. Time that is only my own and no one else's. I like to feel the squish of the mud under my shoes which does remind me that I need to get a new pair. I like to run in the morning when the birds are getting thier breakfast and when I feel like just maybe, I'm the first one to be there today. It is amazing. And as Samantha said about her bike ride, you feel good. You feel energized and yes, just a little bit thinner at the end of the day.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Thursday, March 19, 2009


I've been absent of late from here and I apologize. I know there are quite a few family members who read this to see how the kids are and what we're up too. It's not that I don't want to blog, it is just that there are many things happening right now. Too many to share and some that are not yet going to be shared. I know that is selfish as all of you care so much, but we are in a transitional phase right now. One that is very private and delicate. It needs to care and attention to make sure it happens correctly. The kids are doing great though and I will post pictures as I can. But I think, for just a few weeks, I am going to check out. Take a blogacation and try to do things the right way. In the meantime, I hope you are all able to enjoy some spring weather soon as Friday is the first official day of Spring and I will be seeing you soon.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Only 9:45

And already it's looking to be like kind of an odd day. A few days ago we had a small problem with our electrical system and this morning the electrician made it out and it's a bit worse than we thought. The landlords are out of town and doing everything they can, the parts for this old house aren't exactly readily available which creates a problem. We are running only a few things at once right now, paying close attention to how we use it. Personally I don't exactly feel like this is a huge inconvenience. I am constantly trying to get Scott to be more aware of how we are using the electricity, but it is a challenge. We love our comforts, right? The coffee pot plugged in at all times, the TV plugged in (not turned on) all day, the hot water heater always ready to go at the turn of a knob and the refrigerator... always cold. I think the only serious downside to what happened is that we both have interviews today. His is at 11:30 for a part time sort of job. Basically it is an on call job that he gets paid for if he goes to work, but if not he only gets one hour of pay. That's why I call it a sort of job. My interview is at Portalis, in Ballard. I am nervous. I want this job so bad. To start out at a wine place would be SOO cool! So, to all of our loved ones reading this please oh please oh please wish us luck!!

Hope you're day is going a little less wacky than ours. Or if it is wacky... hopefully it's a good wacky.

Monday, March 2, 2009

So cool!

So... last night I checked me email to find that someone bought something from me!!

It was just the thing I needed and it really picked up my spirits. How thankful I am that people still love handmade items.

I will start on it tomorrow and I can't wait to send it out!!

Thursday, February 26, 2009

stressed out

Today was a very bad day for Scott and I... we've been kind of barely hanging on lately with our finances and today we started our monthly budget for March and realized that we've reached the end of the rope. He's been unemployed for five months and everything we had is gone. We are going to have to utilize some help from welfare, if we can. Food stamps and what not. I don't know what else to do really. Scott and I are looking at all of our options and he is thinking about switching careers, too. We've done some research and many of the county sheriff and police stations have availabilities right now. He set up his test date and has applied. He takes his written and physical tests starting on March 30th. Other than that he is going to stay in the Union for Operating Engineers and keep all of his testing up to date in case he decides to go back to that. Right now though, if he passes the tests he can obtain a regular, monthly salary and with two kids that is what has to happen. We've talked about me putting school on hold, again. But the fact is that if I stopped attending I would have to start making payments on my loans for the quarter and if I don't keep at it this time, I am afraid I will end up just not going back. I can't take that and neither can Scott. I was gone, for so long and our marriage and our every day suffered for it. We've tried to be as positive as possible about everything and saying that he is going to get a job soon, it just never seems to come and it is starting to seriously affect everything and everyone in this house. We are so stressed out and trying to ignore it for 5 months has definitely caught up with us. We are behind on so many things that were put aside or that we've paid the bare minimum for and it just isn't possible to go on like that for any longer. We just don't. know. what. to. do. and that is such a scary place to be.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Baby girl no more

My little girl is growing up and just plain growing. We have been noticing of late that she is done with her little mini crib, with her head smooshed against one side and her feet tightly pressed against the bars on the other. And so while we discussed the idea of a new, bigger crib to get her through just a little bit longer we came to the conclusion that she will sleep in Adrien's old toddler bed now. We were very apprehensive, we went through so much with Adrien and that bed. We had to move him into it early because of his head banging on the crib, then realized we would have to do just the mattress on the floor and pad the corners of his room. When we finally did decide that he could be back on a bed we had to pad the corners and make sure that if he did bang his head on it it would not cause any damage.
Scott sat Isabella down yesterday and told her that we would be moving her into the big bed after her nap and that at night she would be sleeping in it. Then a little while later we put her down for her nap, in the crib. She was so mad at us. I was checking on her and she kept pointing at the little bed and screaming. Finally after talking it over with Scott, we put her in it and have had no problems. She slept in it last night, without falling off and no falling yesterday during her nap. It is amazing to me how much better she is at adjustment than Adrien. He takes everything so personally whereas Isabella is a go with the flow kind of gal.

Today we will pack up the crib and wait to bring it out for the all too soon day that we move her into a twin bed. It will make an interesting head board, what with all her stubborn tooth marks all over it.

P.S. I'll take a picture of her today in her little bed.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

oh the babies

Lately our little munchkins have really started to play with each other. They roll on the floor and wrestle and tickle each other. We also got them one of those giant balls from Target and needless to say it offers hours of fun. They love to chase it and throw it at each other. Isabella especially loves it when Adrien throws the ball, blocks, cars and pretty much anything at her, it's pretty crazy. We have also taken to the outdoors again with the nice weather. It has been so lovely and warm. We've had 50' degree weather almost everyday. I can only spring is going to come soon.

Monday, February 16, 2009

The past few days

The past few days have been very busy. We cleaned the house, Scott's brother Alex came over on Saturday, went to the beach, cleaned the car and got some gardening started.

The Beach:

Other than that, Scott and I have been trying quite desperately at times to keep our munchkins happy. They seem to be on a bit of a temper kick. Adrien slammed his thumb in the car door today and has been nursing it with a nice whine. Isabella has molars coming in and I know how that feels. My wisdom teeth are coming in, one has broken through and the rest are just under the surface. Scott seems to be feeling a bit cranky. I don't know if something is going around or if we are just cranky because it is almost but not quite spring.

Spring and summer are my favorite seasons. Spring is wonderful because everything is starting out so fresh and beautiful and new. Like my daffodils and the gladioli I planted. My tulips are starting to show up as well. I think my lilac was brutally killed between the fire and the snow storm. I have seed starting and more on the schedule for next week and the week after. The weeding has begun and ash has been given to the peonies. I am going to have to get some new roses, also having been frozen in the snow. But, alas new things are coming up each day and the kids are going to have so much fun this year! We are going to take them camping for the first time and I am sure that many trips will be made to Oma and Opa's house. I just can't wait for the weather to clear up!

Thursday, February 12, 2009


Scott took the kids for a walk yesterday morning so I could get some homework done. Isabella wanted to walk the entire way. Adrien on the other hand is always perfectly happy with a free ride.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

New Etsy Listing

New today to the BelugaMomma shop is this beautiful scarf!

Made with 100% hand painted wool it is soft and the color is so gorgeous. Is approximately 93" long and very warm

You can see the listing and hopefully purchase your own RIGHT HERE!

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

overheard conversation

Last week, I was knitting on the couch and a train was going by. The kids ran over to the window and sat next to each other to look out and watch it go by.

Isabella: "Whas Dat?!"

Adrien: Tsk... "Oh it's a chooch"

It is so cute how the two of them are communicating and talking to each other everyday. They are playing with each other more and more, and though that is not always a great thing it is really sweet.

Monday, January 19, 2009

much to his dismay

I have found my spring/summer project for the year. It is THIS. How to make soap. Not melt down some glycerin from Micheal's kind of soap but real, homemade soap! I think, if I can pull it off it will be pretty darn cool. And, what great Christmas gifts to give next year! A little homemade soap with some gloves, hat or scarf or maybe some soap and a nice set of washcloths! Oh the possibilities...

I have kind of realized that for the most part, I generally teach myself something new every year. Last year it was knitting, the year before that papermaking and before that it was flower arranging. I just know there is so much to learn out there, that I can't stop and beyond that. Also, I think that eventually it would be nice to know how to make everything I would need if something were to happen. Nothing like being resourceful, eh?

Monkey see, Monkey Sleep

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Just a little tired.

Lately, with starting school and getting used to the commuting twice a week. It has been a bit of a change and on top of it, little Bella will not sleep. She wakes up at around 3 or 4 am and just wants to be wide awake and play and eat and well, is pretty much ready for her day. Where as the rest of us all want to sleep just a little bit more.

We had cord of wood delivered on Wednesday afternoon and stacked it this morning. I am hoping this is the last cord of wood we have to buy for the rest of winter. We are going through it so much slower now. Other than that, I am looking for a part time job on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Fridays until Scott gets a job. Those are the days that I have a class or Yoga (tuesdays) at school in Seattle. I figure if I can just pile everything together it will work out best. That way I still have a few free days in there to study and play with the kids. Once Scott starts work is when things will get really crazy. But I trust that we will figure it out and come to the right working point for us.

It has been a little rough lately, things are coming to a point with Scott and work where he just needs to have a job now. He is getting antsy and we are both starting to really feel the financial strain. But that's life and this too shall pass, right Granny?

Huh, anyway, I have some yarns I am keeping my eye on for some future projects when money decides to descend upon us. I can't wait to start knitting again. In the meantime, I have a few washcloths I have been meaning to finish up.

Have a good weekend everyone!

Sunday, January 11, 2009

What's up

Oh what a busy week it has been. Busy and blissful... for the most part.

On Friday I went to Seattle and did my orientation. It was amazing! We got to listen to the chefs/teachers and they are all so passionate about cooking and food that it is inspiring. I also got my knives and books....

Also, I have realized that I have an addiction to molasses. It's really rather disgusting. I have a jar that I bought to make gingerbread cookies and now I just take a spoonful every now and then. It is so good and oddly metallic. I love it, no matter how gross you think I am, I love it!

I finally finished my first sock last night! It is so cute, I have already cast on for the second one and am planning another pair very soon. I think the next pair I will do will be a little schushier... if that makes sense. I am also going to make myself some of THESE with some leftover yarn that I have lying around. And then, to give Heather just a little hint, HERE is the hat that I am going to make for her, but in different colors.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009


My testing went alright. I did really well in English and am being pushed to test out of the class in order to take more Culinary classes. I believe that I will only to make things a little faster for me. I will be attending part time, just two classes a quarter because of kids and money. I start, potentially next week. I just have to get my college transcripts to AIS and give them a $100 deposit. Schooling is so expensive!

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Just a mistake

It was just a mistake in the paperwork! I am eligible for financial aid! WOOO HOOO!!! That is going to make things so much easier!

Can't wait, today I am headed down to take my placement testing and to discuss the amount of aid I can get and where to hunt for specific cooking scholarships.

Wish me luck!

Monday, January 5, 2009


Today is the day that I applied for school again...

I am so excited!

Today is the day that I found out that I might not be able to get financial aid...

I am so frustrated!

Today is the day that I decided to go either way...

Scott is a tad upset and very excited.

But in this new year I have decided to stop making so many personal sacrifices for Scott and our marriage. Don't take it the wrong way, I love him dearly. But I need to be me as well as us. The last... oh Goodness, um I think it's been almost 8 years that we have known each other Scott has always had the last say. The final decision if you will, on what we were are doing with our lives. Where we live and all those super important decisions. So, after much debate we came to the conclusion that being a stay at home Mom only is not the way for me. I need a few hours a week where I am doing something for me. Where I am getting out of the house and away from all this... just for me. And oh is it a novelty.

Sometimes I find myself looking around after a crazy day and thinking "holy cow when did all this happen? I'm 23 not 33!" And then a baby wakes me up and I remember how thankful I am for the smell and squish of baby cheeks during sleep. How much one little smile can actually make you think that everything really is going to be just fine in the end, no matter what. I wake up and get a sleepy hug after we get out of bed at 5(ish) in the morning and I remember just how happy I am to have that guy next to me.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Warm feelings

The other day I made chicken soup for dinner. It is one of my favorite things to make when it is cold outside. Here is my recipe:

2 tablespoons olive oil
1 cup rough chopped onion
1 cup rough chopped celery
1 cup rough chopped carrot
4 cloves chopped garlic
1 bunch rough chopped Italian parsley
4 bay leaves
all purpose seasoning
2/3 cup orzo pasta

6 - 8 cups chicken broth (preferably homemade with chicken in it)

combine everything but the broth in a large pot and sautee for about 8 minutes. Add broth and cook until boiling. Boil for 20 minutes until pasta is tender.

Eat. Enjoy. Warm up.

As a separate note, I finished my first hat today. It is beautiful! I love the yarn, it is a hand spun wool from the Manos del Uruguay project. It supports women in Uruguay and is just lovely. It has this neat uneven quality about it that just makes me comfortable. Here is my hat. I got the design from HERE. (Jen there is one in the works for you that will match your scarf and then Heather's is next. I am still picking out her yarn.)

Happy New Year

Happy New Year everyone! Scott and I put the kids to bed a tad later than normal and let them have some juice before bed... and still they went to sleep very fast. We on the other hand went to bed around 10... early for us. But it felt good to start the new year off with rest and a good feeling about life.

We spent our Christmas with Oma and Opa in Oregon and had a wonderful time. Aunty Heather is so good with the kids! Here are a few pictures and a few more will undoubtedly pop up on here every few days or so the next week or two.

Oma and Adrien playing box car

Aunty Heather with her new iPod

Isabella got refridgerator magnets

The best toy of all, toxic packing peanuts!

Adrien's beloved car from Rob and Rexene

Loveable little monkey for my monkey

Jumping up and down over the car

It seems my dad (Opa) can still scare a kid when necessary

Oma lovin' Isabella before we left

Izzy loves her new elephant toy, Oma!

Adrien reading No, Davey!