The past few days I have been on yet a new journey. I made a new friend and she has helped me to start looking at a few things again. Things with my Mom and the rest of my family. I have been... not melancholy but thoughtful lately. I am trying to dissect what I have done and where I am going in life. I don't know right now the answers to either one of those. Yet, I would not say that I am lost just exploring.
In trying to figure stuff out there is a chance to look at yourself. This is hard. It's hard to look in the mirror and see the things that you are feeling, the things that you have done and be honest with yourself that maybe it wasn't always right. That a lot of the time the anger you feel for one person has been taken out on someone who did not deserve it. That maybe you did that for years and didn't realize it. How awful and yet I really am not an awful person. I just think that I did some awful things when I was younger and confused about why my Mom was unable to love me.
Looking now, I see that she does love me in her own way. Unfortunately it isn't a way that is easy to see or understand for a child. Comprehending my mother's love is like making it through the labrynth. I have to keep going around dark corners and meeting friends of hers along the way to see it. And when I do get there finally, I see that it definitely is not what I was expecting. It is not warm and cozy like I want. It is just dusty and gray. It is dark. It is cold. I do not like it.
As a mother now, I find myself thinking of the other women in my life as mothers. As care givers. I see the things that I want in these other women. In my Grandmother, for her strength and solidarity throughout life's challenges. In my Step-mom Jen, for her unwavering love for me... even when I was confused. In my sister Samantha for taking care of me when the need was the most urgent, even though she too needed to be taken care of. In My Aunt, for listening and loving me and holding me when I needed it. In my neighbor, Karen for being a confidant and teacher, for her understanding and love. All of these I bring with me to motherhood and hope that it is enough for my children while still being enough for me.
To have so many women in my head, it is a gift. I see how truly lucky I am to be surrounded my magnificent and strong females. Not everyone had that and because I was so desperate as a child to have a mother, I clung to everyone of them like they were my own. They answered with everything they had and because of them I made it through.
Yesterday, I went on a hike. I was thinking about all these women and how my life has been affected. I think about all the little things along the way that have been given to me by them. The little knowledge nuggets and loving hugs. I realized that if my own mother had been what I so desperately wanted her to be I would never have been open to them. I would not have had the same experiences with them nor the amount of love. So in my Mother's failure there is success.