It can make people do things that they never thought they would do. It can cause the biggest worst fight you've ever had. It can be the best thing to ever happen to you.
Typically though, love is something that can be a struggle, a fight and completely utterly blissful.
For me, in this moment love is both amazing and complicated and a bit evil.
I've had this moment coming to me. Really if I start to think about it and I have. Oh I have! There has been two men in my life for a few months now. One I have loved for quite some time but I had given up. The other, Mr. Wonderful I could feel myself starting to fall to let go. Then something happened. Man number one stepped up, unexpectedly and it's thrown me off.
I've already made one decision... this also came unexpectedly and quite painfully. It hurt someone dearly and I can never take that back. It is something I''m going to have to live with either way and I wish I could go back and do it in a kinder more compassionate way. I just wasn't expecting it to be so different. I thought I could carry on and think clearly. Life had other plans and now I just feel like a pile of shit for what i've done. It was cruel. If I had known how that was going to go I would have made a drastically different decision.
And as odd as this sounds I hope that door isn't closed forever. Maybe this is just a point where I need this time and need to clear myself up and get it together. Maybe this is actually doing not just me but him a favor as well... maybe there is a reason just maybe.
But now I have other things to think about. What should I do? Should I take this proclamation of love and run with it? Is it trust worthy? Is it something I can rest my hopes on? I won't know unless I try but that doesn't mean I should try...
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
Emotional
I hate being a woman sometimes. All the hormones, the constantly thinking and thinking and thinking about everything, the bleeding, the hypersensitivity. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I know there is a reason we are the way that we are but once in a while it would be nice to have a break from womanhood and be able to just be a person.
Other than that, a good weekend filled with friends I hadn't hung with in a while and oh I do feel refreshed after a weekend like that. I have some of the most amazing friends and am always grateful for them. Megan is probably the single most amazing lady I know. So opinionated and so full of life that I can't help but let her rub off on me when I hang out with her. Her zest is quite catching you might say. She approves, greatly of said Mr. Wonderful which I will call him here, he has a name but it's not for you.
As a side project, a good friend in my life and I are doing this: http://www.smartassfoodies.wordpress.com
No this is not Mr. Wonderful, this is He who shan't be named and he is a friend. Probably my best male friend ever. I love him more than I can explain. Either way I am super stoked on this and I feel like everyone should be. This is my worst and my best side all wrapped into one interesting, creative, fun and entertaining idea. We start tonight so check it out.
Roommate is set to move in next Saturday. I am excited that my rent is going to go down with the added person. Disappointed that I have to have a roommate. Living by me lonesome has been wonderful and I can't wait to do it again someday. Have a place that is just mine. A place I can walk around naked in the middle of the day, leave my towel on the floor in the bathroom if I'm done with it. A place that I can truly be quiet and alone in. I crave that once in a while. I just like to sit and listen to music, draw, paint, bake all at the same time with my babies. I like it when we all get creative together. I feel a certain amount of magic when that happens. Maybe it's just a sense of awe. My children inspire so much in me while simultaneously demanding so much as well. It's a sort of painful bliss, being a parent. I can't wait to have more babies. I feel like it's what I'm supposed to be doing, making babies. (Not too many mind you! Just one or two more... large families are wonderfully awful)
p.s. I like it here again. This space is so good for me and I am going to try very hard not to abandon it when I get stressed out and overwhelmed again. That was a mistake and I hope I learned from it.
Other than that, a good weekend filled with friends I hadn't hung with in a while and oh I do feel refreshed after a weekend like that. I have some of the most amazing friends and am always grateful for them. Megan is probably the single most amazing lady I know. So opinionated and so full of life that I can't help but let her rub off on me when I hang out with her. Her zest is quite catching you might say. She approves, greatly of said Mr. Wonderful which I will call him here, he has a name but it's not for you.
As a side project, a good friend in my life and I are doing this: http://www.smartassfoodies.wordpress.com
No this is not Mr. Wonderful, this is He who shan't be named and he is a friend. Probably my best male friend ever. I love him more than I can explain. Either way I am super stoked on this and I feel like everyone should be. This is my worst and my best side all wrapped into one interesting, creative, fun and entertaining idea. We start tonight so check it out.
Roommate is set to move in next Saturday. I am excited that my rent is going to go down with the added person. Disappointed that I have to have a roommate. Living by me lonesome has been wonderful and I can't wait to do it again someday. Have a place that is just mine. A place I can walk around naked in the middle of the day, leave my towel on the floor in the bathroom if I'm done with it. A place that I can truly be quiet and alone in. I crave that once in a while. I just like to sit and listen to music, draw, paint, bake all at the same time with my babies. I like it when we all get creative together. I feel a certain amount of magic when that happens. Maybe it's just a sense of awe. My children inspire so much in me while simultaneously demanding so much as well. It's a sort of painful bliss, being a parent. I can't wait to have more babies. I feel like it's what I'm supposed to be doing, making babies. (Not too many mind you! Just one or two more... large families are wonderfully awful)
p.s. I like it here again. This space is so good for me and I am going to try very hard not to abandon it when I get stressed out and overwhelmed again. That was a mistake and I hope I learned from it.
Friday, April 1, 2011
content
Hello, it's me at peace and content. Things are still a little sketch, what with the car and all but I feel like I am finding a groove. There is a potential roomie in the midst as well and I think that he might just be what I need right now. He sounds like a very peaceful dude, a Buddhist in nature is how he describes himself. How could I have found a more perfect roommate than that?!
We have this new thing called Green Mission at work and the goal is to get our store to have no trash. We want to recycle, compost or reuse anything we possibly can and I am so excited. Ridiculously excited, to the point that the other day I had to talk to my team about it and when I did I got so into it that my team leader had to interrupt me to make me stop. On the bright side though, due to my enthusiasm the team is excited too! Which means that they will finally and hopefully continue to walk the extra 100 feet at the end of the night to put the recycling in the proper bin instead of in the trash bin and will pay more attention to what is compostable and what is not.
It does remind me as well that I need to get a compost bin for my little house and try to remember to take my trash up to the street on Wednesdays! I haven't been home and have missed it for a month now. The only reason it's okay is because I haven't been home.
Oh, remember that man? That beautiful, wonderful man? Yea, that's right it's been a few weeks and I still think that he is quite amazing. I am quite twitterpated. (definition here: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=twitterpated) *yes, you I used your word.
The babies, oh the babies! I will post pictures of those little munchkins tomorrow. They are becoming flat out ridiculous in their conversation lately. Bella, upon my asking if she had to go poop the other day promptly responded that yes, she does and it is HUGE mama. (as she demonstrated to me the size, which by all means would have been elephant sized) Adrien then piped in that he didn't know if it was going to flush it was so big.
The other day we went to a birthday party for one of their friends and as we were toy shopping, Bella peed right in the middle of the aisle without even suggesting that she had to go at any point. Then, Adrien taking the gift picking process quite seriously finally landed on a Transformers toy that I had suggested. He asked me what it was and I told him that it was a car that turned into a robot. "A CAR THAT TURNS INTO A ROBOT?! WOW! CAN WE GET CAMERON THAT?! A CAR THAT IS A ROBOT!!!" His enthusiasm was outstanding and I am pretty sure that this only heightened his love for cars, which he has recently taken to storing in his underwear for safe keeping. I am debating about sewing pockets into it so they don't actually have to be washed after he uses them.
We have this new thing called Green Mission at work and the goal is to get our store to have no trash. We want to recycle, compost or reuse anything we possibly can and I am so excited. Ridiculously excited, to the point that the other day I had to talk to my team about it and when I did I got so into it that my team leader had to interrupt me to make me stop. On the bright side though, due to my enthusiasm the team is excited too! Which means that they will finally and hopefully continue to walk the extra 100 feet at the end of the night to put the recycling in the proper bin instead of in the trash bin and will pay more attention to what is compostable and what is not.
It does remind me as well that I need to get a compost bin for my little house and try to remember to take my trash up to the street on Wednesdays! I haven't been home and have missed it for a month now. The only reason it's okay is because I haven't been home.
Oh, remember that man? That beautiful, wonderful man? Yea, that's right it's been a few weeks and I still think that he is quite amazing. I am quite twitterpated. (definition here: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=twitterpated) *yes, you I used your word.
The babies, oh the babies! I will post pictures of those little munchkins tomorrow. They are becoming flat out ridiculous in their conversation lately. Bella, upon my asking if she had to go poop the other day promptly responded that yes, she does and it is HUGE mama. (as she demonstrated to me the size, which by all means would have been elephant sized) Adrien then piped in that he didn't know if it was going to flush it was so big.
The other day we went to a birthday party for one of their friends and as we were toy shopping, Bella peed right in the middle of the aisle without even suggesting that she had to go at any point. Then, Adrien taking the gift picking process quite seriously finally landed on a Transformers toy that I had suggested. He asked me what it was and I told him that it was a car that turned into a robot. "A CAR THAT TURNS INTO A ROBOT?! WOW! CAN WE GET CAMERON THAT?! A CAR THAT IS A ROBOT!!!" His enthusiasm was outstanding and I am pretty sure that this only heightened his love for cars, which he has recently taken to storing in his underwear for safe keeping. I am debating about sewing pockets into it so they don't actually have to be washed after he uses them.
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