Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Love is a funny thing

It can make people do things that they never thought they would do. It can cause the biggest worst fight you've ever had. It can be the best thing to ever happen to you.

Typically though, love is something that can be a struggle, a fight and completely utterly blissful.

For me, in this moment love is both amazing and complicated and a bit evil.

I've had this moment coming to me. Really if I start to think about it and I have. Oh I have! There has been two men in my life for a few months now. One I have loved for quite some time but I had given up. The other, Mr. Wonderful I could feel myself starting to fall to let go. Then something happened. Man number one stepped up, unexpectedly and it's thrown me off.

I've already made one decision... this also came unexpectedly and quite painfully. It hurt someone dearly and I can never take that back. It is something I''m going to have to live with either way and I wish I could go back and do it in a kinder more compassionate way. I just wasn't expecting it to be so different. I thought I could carry on and think clearly. Life had other plans and now I just feel like a pile of shit for what i've done. It was cruel. If I had known how that was going to go I would have made a drastically different decision.

And as odd as this sounds I hope that door isn't closed forever. Maybe this is just a point where I need this time and need to clear myself up and get it together. Maybe this is actually doing not just me but him a favor as well... maybe there is a reason just maybe.

But now I have other things to think about. What should I do? Should I take this proclamation of love and run with it? Is it trust worthy? Is it something I can rest my hopes on? I won't know unless I try but that doesn't mean I should try...

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