Finally it is spring here. Warm 70 degree days (almost... it is the Pacific North West afterall.)
I went rock climbing yesterday morning and finally, finally made it to the top of the rock wall! Tara had to talk me through the whole thing, but I was able to trust her enough to hold the rope and anchor me.
It is amazing how much I truly fear trusting someone else with my life. I absolutely freeze up and demand to be let down. I've done it twice and yesterday was no different, except I didn't demand to get down. I just shook and scared myself the whole way but I made it up. The view was beautiful.
And even though it was a small achievement as far as rock climbing goes, I feel like it was a good step forward for me in a personal way.
My whole life I have basically taken care of myself. My Mom is not someone who ever thought to be actively taking care of us especially when she was in her worst state and on drugs. A lot of things fell to the side and that included my siblings and I. Samantha, to her credit definitely took care of me as best as she could but she wasn't that much older than me. We were kids taking care of ourselves and each other in one of the worst environments. To see us now and know us, you would have no idea what we went through as children.
When we moved in with my Dad and Jen when I was 9, it was different. There was just so many kids and our parents were working and going to school that even when Grandma was around we still had to fend for ourselves a lot of the time. It isn't to say that they weren't taking care of us, but there is only so much one person is capable of and when you have 5 kids, it becomes more challenging. However, the stability in that house allowed us to become competent people in the world and to learn right from wrong.
I've only ever had one other incident in my life when I've had to trust someone else and that is my marriage. That didn't go so well. I trusted Scott with many things including what our life was supposed to be like and in the end he just sat on the couch and let me do most of the work.
Now, I'm paying for that. I have to work so much harder because I chose to stop school and he continued. He has more resources available and I don't have any. He has family and I don't. It's not a bad position but it's just different. Now I am again fully trusting myself and no one else.
It's a weird spot to be in.