water

I went kayaking again on Monday.

The water was a lot faster and there was a lot more of it.

Tara and I paddled well and got through the first stretch, it was rough and after we both said at the same time "That was hard!" Then we laughed and kept going even though we were nervous and a little worried about the water levels. It was making it really hard to paddle through unless you have a lot of experience and Tara and I are both new to this sport.

We needed a rest and Matt pointed an eddy out and said shoot for the eddy and take a break. Well, we got there but not quite in time. There was a tree at the bottom of the eddy poking out of the water. We got stuck and the boat flipped. I saw this was happening and went to take a deep breath before going under, but I was already under.

Water in my lungs. Instinctively my body takes another deep breath... of water. Fuck, Jessica Stop. Stop breathing water.

I open my eyes to see the yellow inflatable kayak above me and there's water. Water. It is silent and I think "Alright this might be it, but you have to try either way." I push myself down to catch the current to go under the kayak. I pop out, I'm breathing again. Tara is in front of me, scared and throws her hand out to me. I grab it afraid to let go and get stuck again. Our group got us immedietly but the fear still sits in a little bubble of my brain.

The weird thing is that when it was happening I wasn't really scared so much as calm and accepting. It was so quiet. It wasn't cold. Time moved a little slower and I was able to think clearly. The water felt natural in my lungs.

I can see how people say that drowning is one of the most peaceful ways to die. I don't feel like it would have bothered me at all to die that way the other day. It was so peaceful under the water.

The thing is is that it wasn't. The water was raging, moving so fast and when we finally did connect our cold, shocked hands with the handles on our friends' catamaran we were still being pulled with the river until we got into the boat.

I still want to kayak but I want to be safer and smarter about it until I get better. I have two beautiful babies that definitely need this Mama around.