Amazed.

The past few days I have been on yet a new journey. I made a new friend and she has helped me to start looking at a few things again. Things with my Mom and the rest of my family. I have been... not melancholy but thoughtful lately. I am trying to dissect what I have done and where I am going in life. I don't know right now the answers to either one of those. Yet, I would not say that I am lost just exploring.

In trying to figure stuff out there is a chance to look at yourself. This is hard. It's hard to look in the mirror and see the things that you are feeling, the things that you have done and be honest with yourself that maybe it wasn't always right. That a lot of the time the anger you feel for one person has been taken out on someone who did not deserve it. That maybe you did that for years and didn't realize it. How awful and yet I really am not an awful person. I just think that I did some awful things when I was younger and confused about why my Mom was unable to love me.

Looking now, I see that she does love me in her own way. Unfortunately it isn't a way that is easy to see or understand for a child. Comprehending my mother's love is like making it through the labrynth. I have to keep going around dark corners and meeting friends of hers along the way to see it. And when I do get there finally, I see that it definitely is not what I was expecting. It is not warm and cozy like I want. It is just dusty and gray. It is dark. It is cold. I do not like it.

As a mother now, I find myself thinking of the other women in my life as mothers. As care givers. I see the things that I want in these other women. In my Grandmother, for her strength and solidarity throughout life's challenges. In my Step-mom Jen, for her unwavering love for me... even when I was confused. In my sister Samantha for taking care of me when the need was the most urgent, even though she too needed to be taken care of. In My Aunt, for listening and loving me and holding me when I needed it. In my neighbor, Karen for being a confidant and teacher, for her understanding and love. All of these I bring with me to motherhood and hope that it is enough for my children while still being enough for me.

To have so many women in my head, it is a gift. I see how truly lucky I am to be surrounded my magnificent and strong females. Not everyone had that and because I was so desperate as a child to have a mother, I clung to everyone of them like they were my own. They answered with everything they had and because of them I made it through.


Yesterday, I went on a hike. I was thinking about all these women and how my life has been affected. I think about all the little things along the way that have been given to me by them. The little knowledge nuggets and loving hugs. I realized that if my own mother had been what I so desperately wanted her to be I would never have been open to them. I would not have had the same experiences with them nor the amount of love. So in my Mother's failure there is success.

What it's about now

OK. I read that drunken blog... sheesh. At first I was totally appalled at myself and just about deleted it. Then I thought, you know what?! No, this is what my life is now. Mistakes and learning and the ups and the downs of becoming single and having to learn to navigate through it all without totally and completely fucking up. Right? If you can't be honest what are you capable of? Nothing and everything...

So this blog, which started as a hopeful journey through motherhood and a way to communicate the exciting ups and downs of it with my family and friends has now turned into a dry and honest chronicle of both motherhood and the dating adventures I experience... the just basic and weird and dirty secrets that maybe some should read and some shouldn't. But I am going ot try to be honest about the stuff I do or I guess... have done.

I will say that "one" night stand was months ago, and I have so, so totally learned my lesson... But, I went out with friends the other night from work and he showed up, hence the blog.



Oops....

Isabella Constance

Today is your Second birthday. You are Two. and it blows my mind. I have a two year old daughter and she is the best little girl I could ever ask for.

Isabella is Tall.
Isabella is Sassy.
Isabella is full of Spunk.
Isabella is Beautiful.

You have the most beautiful eyes and the most wonderful personality. I can tell that someday you are going to be very bossy and mean to your brother. I know that you think you are smarter than everyone else, all the time. When you have to listen you crook your head and then when it's over you nod your head and put your hands up in the air as if to say "Why?" You always try and figure out a way to get what you want. You will put yourself in a position to go into the lake if going into the lake is what you want to do.

Isabella Constance, you are wonderful and I can't wait to find out what you are going to throw at me next. I can't wait to see the kind of person you are going to be and the path that you will choose. I just hope you choose wisely and always remember to think with your heart.

Leg Warmers and Tea

Today I bought some Oolong Tea and Leg Warmers at work, I love them both. I am knitting leg warmers for everyone for Christmas, except a few who will get something different. But I have not had a chance to finish some for myself yet. So, mine are tie dye. They rock.

The tea, is delicious. I reallly love tea. I didn't really realize how much until I moved to Washington. But tea has such positive effects on me and I like that. What I don't like is that I have not had a chance to really get much excersise lately. I am hoping that tomorrow after work I can go for a run or a hike... something to get out and get my heart going. I need it.

This morning as I was getting ready for work, the kids were going down for a nap and Adrien was laying in his bed with a goofy little grin on his face. I asked him he wanted a hug and he sprinted out of the bed and over to me, knocked me over with the most ferocious hug I have had from him in a while. I think they forgot what it was like when I am working. That I can't see them part of the day and that it's hard, for all of us.

Isabella seems to take to it really well, but she has always been one to adjust well to new situations. Adrien has recently begun to build actual recognizable things with his blocks. Airplanes are the highlights and towers. The other thing he is really into is Motorcycles, he will just stare at a motorcycle for as long I let him. He even knows how to say it finally, which is awesome.


And we are almost on the brink of Potty Training for Little Miss Bella!!! I am so, so excited about this I can't even contain it!!! Both of them out of diapers would be just outstanding. It would rock my little world. So we will see... next week after the crazyness of birthdays and a store meeting, the process will be begin.

Stress Baking

I am a stress baker. I don't mean bake, like Toke up. I mean bake like Cook. I will bake like crazy if I am stressed. For example, in the past two days I have made fudge, apple pie, bread and roasted some squash. Along the way, I have also cleaned my house... twice.

What might you ask am I stressing about. Oh. Just this simple thing.

A guy, who due to his incessant paranoia of them will here by be referred to as The Zombie.

The Zombie and I met, briefly about two months ago. He was stationed up here in Washington and had been an acquaintance of my HLP (Hetero Life Partner aka Best Friend), for quite some time. He grew up in Roseville, CA which is just a hop and a skip away from Auburn. He is a very smart, funny, witty and interesting individual. We met a week before he left to go back to Roseville. We saw each other three times in that week and have talked on the phone, online and texted quite a bit....

I like him. A lot. I have that fluttery feeling that you get when someone touches your soul in a specific place. I had it when I met him and there is just something about him that won't leave me alone. I see his smile and his stupid glasses in my head and it's like just this image that is burned there. I feel like when he looks at me he is really seeing me and understanding me. He laughs at my bad, bad jokes and when he doesn't he doesn't make me feel bad for being so lame. And he's cute. Really cute, like, painfully goodlooking dude.

But he lives in Roseville and he hates Washington with a passion that is neverending. That of course sucks. Despite this, I felt like I needed to say how I felt. I needed the relief of letting it be heard. I called him up tonight and told him. He was at Chipotle.

I don't really know what actually happened. I don't think he feels like it is something that is even feasible and has rejected the idea because of that. I wish I had the same ability to do so. Instead I just feel a little more lonely and stupid tonight.

I just have to remember that this is going to be one of the many lessons I will learn now. How to not say how I feel. To play the game or whatever. It's all so fucking weird.

The thing that kills me, that really just hurts is that Zombie was nice to me about it and still wants me to hang out with him when I am down there and vice verse. This all would have been so much easier if he was mean to me, because then I could have just brushed it off like he was the asshole. Instead, it's me. I'm the one who had to say it out loud even though it was pretty obvious how we feel. Now, now it's in the room. It's filling all of Oregon and the spaces in between with it's awkwardness and vulnrability. It's ugly, damn it.

Push Up Bras

Sometimes, you need a Push Up Bra for life. Just something to give a little boost and make you feel perkier and bubbly.

Lately, I have used this theory on my day to day living and it seems to be helping. In a sense having this in my head, make me my own push up life bra. I wake up and instead of thinking how awful it is that my children aren't sleeping through the night and have decided to wake me at 6 a.m. or earlier. I try to list off the things I love about mornings with my children.

1. The way they smell. It's very close to how they smelled as babies. All squish, drool and dew from the sweaty night. It's beautiful.

2. Hair. It's simply out of control. Especially Isabella, even with the new hair cut, it stands straight up in back and gets so knotted I can't believe it. Adrien's is usually standing up on the side that he slept on. We're growing his out right now for winter, so it's getting longer and more funny.

3. Monster Noises. This is how they always wake me up. It's not nice, it's not quiet. They are monsters. They are morning wake up monsters on a mission to get this Mama out of her warm covers and up to the cold fridge for milk, yogurt and toast with honey.

4. The snuggles. I always get snuggles in the morning and kisses, lots of snuggles and kisses happen here.

5. Knowing that no matter how early it is, I have another day with these beautiful, fascinating tiny people that I wouldn't have had if they weren't here.


Those are things that make it easy. The push up for my mornings and the rest of my day because at the end of it, they are all that matter... making those two little people healthy, functional and nurtured. To make sure they feel confident enough in themselves to go out in the world and be exactly who they need to be, without doubt or guilt.

Absent

Everything. Everything feels absent. Like not necessarily gone, but missing for the day... or longer if need be. I've been absent from this, here. Absent from sharing. I don't even quite know why. It is like I just did not want to do it anymore for a while. I would sit at my computer with my fingers on the pads, all ready to go. But nothing was happening or what did happen I dont like.

Breaks are usually a good way to get rid of that feeling, and after having had that I feel like there is a reason. I feel like my world has shifted quite a bit. You see, when I started this blog I was Wife, Mom, Daughter. Now I am Single Mother, Daughter, Baker, Student. I don't know how this should translate on this blog. Should I talk about my life as I know it or how I want it to be? Both, is what I think. But, should I talk about dating... how uncivilized and wierd the whole thing is. I never really dated too much in high school and then I was with Scott for so long that I don't have any experience with it, at all. Attempting it now is like showing up to school not knowing you had to take a test that day. You feel unprepared and small. You make guesses and sometimes you are right, but more often than not the answer was wrong. So you stumble through it and hope that next time you'll know that test is coming and please God may it be easier than the last one.

Or, perhaps I should tell you about how it is going between Scott and I. Because that answer is way too long, I will save it for another day. The ocmplications, the feelings, the kids, my apartment... this whole thing has a very small almost invisible bright side to it. I don't know how to translate that yet.

The kids though, they are easy. They are loving and beautiful. Smart. Healthy. I dont think I could ask for more. Adrien is talking like crazy. He talks about everything that he does and he talks loud. He likes to be heard.
Isabella, being her brother's sister is just the same. Talking all the time. But she is more of a repeater rather than coming up with her own words.

They do say "I Loouf ya!!" which means I love you... I hope.

Until next time and hopefully sooner