Bugger

I do not know what to write about these days. A lot of it has to do with a very busy schedule and some of it has to do with the fact that I am mostly just waiting. Waiting until Sunday.

Sunday will be a good day. Maybe not for him, right away... but for the rest of us. Yes! Sunday, bloody Sunday. It can't come sooner is all I have to say!


As for the rest of it. This past Sunday I picked up my absolute best friend in the entire world from the airport. She was in India for three and a half weeks. First, INDIA!! Land of Ganesha, the elephant God. Second, INDIA!! How freakin' cool, eh?!

And finally, INDIA!! Meg and I talk at least once a day when she is home. She is my support, my friend, my sister. We met while working at Microsoft together and have been besties ever since. Three and a half weeks of no talking. No sharing. Nothing. It was traumatizing to say the least. We both survived and now of course, have only more to talk about.

Upon finally finding her at the airport... (she left without giving me any flight info except that she came in at twelve... very Megan!) We went straight to her parents house and she dispersed amazing gifts. Then, off to our favorite thing in the world. Sushi! Usually, Megan and I eat sushi when we are hung over, feeling good or just want to go out to eat. When we got into my car and I asked if she was hungry, "SUSHI!" was the excited response. You'd think she would be sick of rice, but not Megan. Poor Meg ate sushi and ran errands smelling like a 24 hour flight, hence the "haggardness" of this picture. Granted I just see Megan. Don't let her fool you, that flannel is not reserved for flying it is just one in a wardrobe consisting of many, many flannel shirts. I've never met anyone who loves flannel more.


Ah, it is so good to have my friend back! And thanks, Megan for all the beautiful elephant gifts!

The Plan

Part One: Initiated. It has begun.


I'll keep you updated.

Good Grief

I am still grumpy. I can't shake it and I am just getting very frustrated with this whole situation.


I came home from work last night after a long day because one of my coworkers quit and we had to pick up the slack. When I walked in my door, there was Scott. On the floor in the living room, passed out amongst a scattered pile of once folded, clean clothes. I know they had been folded and clean because I did that before I went to work yesterday. I migrated to the kitchen where I put my keys only to notice that there was not just food all over the floor, but dishes all over the counters. As I stumbled through to the bathroom I tripped on a chair, a stationary cat toy that had been moved and the laundry hamper.

I wish I could say that this is a once in a while thing but unfortunately it is not. This is what happens every night and I am so sick of it I want to scream. My house is trashed. Literally. Every night when I leave for work. I can't stand it. When I have the kids I make sure that they know that part of our day includes cleaning up after ourselves and if Mommy makes lunch or breakfast then Mommy is also going to have to take ten minutes and do the dishes.

I think what scares me the most is that when I walk in and see this chaos I can't help but imagine that it was chaotic in the house. That the kids were running around everywhere screaming and throwing things and getting food all over the house. It is truly frightening.

What is most annoying about it is this: IT'S MY HOUSE!!! It is my house for goodness sake. This is not our house or even his house, it is mine.



I just do not know what to do anymore. I feel weakened and pathetic. I can feel this situation bringing out traits in me that I do not like. I can feel anger and depression making their way into my life and this only makes me more angry. This is not how I should feel. No one should feel this way. It isn't right.

a little plan

So, I have a plan.

I can not, due to the severity of the situation divulge it here until after it has happened. But, I will tell you that I think I am finally going to be able to go through with this entire thing 100%. It's about time too, eh?!

I am incredibly stressed out about everything though in the meantime and about whether or not my plan will really work or go through smoothly. With a little hope though, it will.

This is it for today. I don't have much else to say, sorry folks.

There is good in me. There is good in you.

Today was my day to hit the existential wall.

I woke up this morning to a sense of yuck. This is my life. This is where I am and not where I want to be. I had a moment this morning, a clarifying and painful moment. It went quite a lot like this:

Scott.... on my couch. This will end as of the 30th. I can not, can not, can not take it anymore. I talked to him tonight, after taking this day and thinking over everything. I am here in this place because a long time ago I had faith in him and what he was doing, what WE were doing. I believed in him and in us and I left my everything for that. It started when I left school and worked so that he could go to school and it continued until I moved up here leaving behind not just the place that I grew up and love so dearly but my family, my friends and many of my hopes. Where I stand right now is a temporarily ugly place. I am alone. My family is in a different place and I am here. I am unable to move because he makes the most money between the two of us and I do like it here and feel that this is my place now. Because of this, I have not a person to lean on but myself. I have to stand alone and make him go. He has family up here, he hangs out with them ALL the time. I see that it helps him but... I am jealous. So intensely jealous that it hurts. I do not have family up here to go hang out with or eat dinner with or cry with. And as much as I try not to be, I am angry. I am really angry about this.

I need my family. I need my Dad. As always... I need my Mom. I need help.

But, they are not coming and that is OK. It is upsetting but it is and will be OK. I can do this. I just have to remember that. That in the end, I can do this. I can be strong and I can make him leave. I can do this.


Don't get me wrong, this is not me saying I hate Scott or that my family is awful. This is just me, realizing that things I gave up meant way more to me than I ever thought that they did. And that was my decision. I chose this for myself without realizing it. Hindsight is always 20/20 right. I know that Scott gave up things that meant just as much to him. I can imagine that he is just as angry right now with himself as I am with myself. We both tried and we both made this mistake. It happens. But it makes me angry.

However, I made another conclusion today. This anger will be constructive. I will let it empower me and teach me. I will not let it bring me down.

Someone important to me said to me one time that one of the things she loves about me is my ability to always see the good in people and in situations. My hope is that I can remember this and use it without letting it bring me down. I know that I will falter at times. I know that it is not going to be easy to stand alone and make him leave. I have done that, many times and many times I have given in to the "but"s and the good in him. I need to find the balance between what is good in him and what is good for me and the kids.

I need to remember that there is good in me too. It is that simple. There is good in me, too.


I think we should all remember that. There is good in me. There is good in you. There is good in everyone. We just have to dust it off and use it.

a little bit of color

I was driving to work the other day and a song came on the radio, An Audience of One by the Cold War Kids. It is truly an amazing song. I don't know exactly what it is about it that I like or why it makes me think of deep rich purples and blues with a little bit of red. But it does.

As I was driving, I realized that I associate almost my whole life and the different experiences that I have with different and or multiple colors. It was somewhat of a revelation for me due to the fact that I don't think I ever understood how I thought through emotions in my life or how I dealt with them. What I do is put things, experiences, people, places and songs into different categories by color. The deeper the color the stronger the emotional tie I have to it.

The best example that I can think of is my Grandmother. To me, she is lavender and roses and food and pajamas. I can not look at the color lavender without immediately thinking of my grandmother, which then leads to her love of roses and gardening and at last her passion for food. Food thus leads to pajamas which she had an incredible affinity for and was very picky about.

Lavender for me is peaceful. It is beautiful, it is calm. It is poised. These are the things that I always associate with Grandma. That is why she is lavendar. Lavendar and greens are very rare colors that I associate with people. These are two colors that I hold very close and very deeply. If that makes any sense... They are special and hold deep meaning.

Now, there are other colors and yes ones for being angry or upset, but those colors are different just as those feelings are different. This is what I am going to start looking at. I want to figure out what the different colors mean to me and why I view people and emotion with color. I want to know what is making my mind tick a certain way. So I am going to start writing about different experiences or poeple in my life and what colors I view them as.

I am holding the belief that this will help me to better understand the way that I work and maybe be able to help me work through some issues. I will keep you updated.

oh well.

Well, it's Thursday and no return phone call. That's life, eh.


On another note, the kids are sick. Not overwhelmingly sick, just runny noses and grumpy outlooks on the day sick. Right now they are both very willingly going down for naps after getting into a huge fight over a pillow.

Watching the two of them interact these days is quite interesting. They are both exiting the "baby/toddler" phase and growing into "children". They fight with words and with their feet, which actually makes it easier to break the fights up. When both are fighting and hurting each other I can say to them that they need to stop, that both of them were in the wrong and that both of them get time outs and they understand. They calm down and they do on their time outs.


Once they are asleep, I am going to clean the house and take a shower. Tonight I am going to a show for Levi in Ballard with some friends. I am really looking forward to it and can't wait to see Levi again.



P.S. I really am a bit dissapointed but there just isn't any point in dwelling on it, right?

Update

New Year's Eve was amazing. I met Vest and his friend, we'll call him Ginger, at Nectar in Fremont where we met the first time. We did this mainly because it was the only place that both of us knew of out there. Everything was pretty mellow and we just talked most of the night. Danced to an amazing band a little bit. Then walked around and hung out at his place. It was super late by the time that we were done talking and given the fact that drunk people drive a lot on new years, I stayed at his house. (as I said the other day, get your mind outta the gutter).

I really appreciate this person's personality. He seems like a very creative, smart guy and I really hope to get to know him better. I feel like whether it develops into friendship or something else, it is just going to be good to have a person like this in my life. He fascinates me and I want to know more.

I am really trying to keep myself mellow about him, but it is hard because I am interested in him. I am going to a show for our old nieghbor, Levi Ware on Thursday in Ballard and have invited Vest and his friends. I left a message yesterday so we will see. Last time it took him a bit to get back to me so I am not expecting anything too soon, but wanted to give it a try anyway. Hopefully that was the right thing to do.

I'll keep you posted!

Oh, wanted to add too, that the lack of photographs lately is due to the fact that both my cameras are broken. The kids got a hold of them before Christmas when Scott was watching them and both ended up in the bathtub. Lovely.

A new camera is going to be my gift to myself hopefully soon.

On another note, I think I have more of a handle on what my Project for Good is. I am not ready yet to tell you what it is, but I think it will be fun and you can join in on it too!

Thinking of New

I have been thinking lately of my grandmother. How she taught us to try and move forward with our lives even through the bad. To help others and to give love to everyone.

Yesterday, a new day, a new year I woke up in a new place, near someone new.*(see below) I felt enriched with a new sense of myself and where my life is going. I don't know quite what it is but for some amazing and beautiful reason I have just been meeting some of the most inspiring people. I know that I keep saying this but it just keeps happening. Everyday I have had intense and personal interactions with at least one person, if not more. The people I have met and talked to are kind, honest and beautiful. They are moving. What's more is how much perfect strangers are able to just let go and talk. They talk about things that are so private and personal.
A friend and I were talking about it today as I gave her a ride home. Her input is that when you feel good and happy about yourself, where you are and where you are going you put that energy out into the world and it is given back.

I like that, don't you?


I feel like it is something my Grandmother would have liked too.



*No, this does not mean that I slept with this person. Get your mind outta the gutter! (lol)