Today was my day to hit the existential wall.
I woke up this morning to a sense of yuck. This is my life. This is where I am and not where I want to be. I had a moment this morning, a clarifying and painful moment. It went quite a lot like this:
Scott.... on my couch. This will end as of the 30th. I can not, can not, can not take it anymore. I talked to him tonight, after taking this day and thinking over everything. I am here in this place because a long time ago I had faith in him and what he was doing, what WE were doing. I believed in him and in us and I left my everything for that. It started when I left school and worked so that he could go to school and it continued until I moved up here leaving behind not just the place that I grew up and love so dearly but my family, my friends and many of my hopes. Where I stand right now is a temporarily ugly place. I am alone. My family is in a different place and I am here. I am unable to move because he makes the most money between the two of us and I do like it here and feel that this is my place now. Because of this, I have not a person to lean on but myself. I have to stand alone and make him go. He has family up here, he hangs out with them ALL the time. I see that it helps him but... I am jealous. So intensely jealous that it hurts. I do not have family up here to go hang out with or eat dinner with or cry with. And as much as I try not to be, I am angry. I am really angry about this.
I need my family. I need my Dad. As always... I need my Mom. I need help.
But, they are not coming and that is OK. It is upsetting but it is and will be OK. I can do this. I just have to remember that. That in the end, I can do this. I can be strong and I can make him leave. I can do this.
Don't get me wrong, this is not me saying I hate Scott or that my family is awful. This is just me, realizing that things I gave up meant way more to me than I ever thought that they did. And that was my decision. I chose this for myself without realizing it. Hindsight is always 20/20 right. I know that Scott gave up things that meant just as much to him. I can imagine that he is just as angry right now with himself as I am with myself. We both tried and we both made this mistake. It happens. But it makes me angry.
However, I made another conclusion today. This anger will be constructive. I will let it empower me and teach me. I will not let it bring me down.
Someone important to me said to me one time that one of the things she loves about me is my ability to always see the good in people and in situations. My hope is that I can remember this and use it without letting it bring me down. I know that I will falter at times. I know that it is not going to be easy to stand alone and make him leave. I have done that, many times and many times I have given in to the "but"s and the good in him. I need to find the balance between what is good in him and what is good for me and the kids.
I need to remember that there is good in me too. It is that simple. There is good in me, too.
I think we should all remember that. There is good in me. There is good in you. There is good in everyone. We just have to dust it off and use it.